hi!
Some say that maybe I was hallucinating with all the spiritual episodes I experienced, and the visions and mirages I see both with open eyes and in my internal sight. But it doesn’t matter; I can’t force them to believe. I only have to let these things out for the moment has come, and I cannot keep it all into my self forever. Somehow, I have to share it to others.
This is a form of Basic Ecclesial Community, which takes flesh in Bible sharing, for you can’t help but share the scripture texts and the transformation that you experienced, I for one in my escapade. Somehow God gave these to me not for myself but that I may be a witness to others about the wonders and the good things that God permits in our lives.
Somehow these seemingly supernatural experiences took root in painful encountering and the spiritual games like the Spirit of the Glass, even the use crystal ball and other sins I’ve committed and where I had been a victim hooked by wrong practices, which are condemned by the Bible. Likewise these things also form the spider webs that gradually destroyed me till I became ill because I dwelt in wrong habits and been into occultism, and in later years even blame God for all that I suffered and seen even the sexual episodes when I was four years old which I keep to myself till I became ill very recently in my life.
In an outset, if I have to look back into my past, I find out that I was sinful with offenses great in volume more than all the combined transgression of others even guilty of sins no one can fathom. It’s all my fault for where early in life I experimented into these, and some were secretly induced to me by others early in my childhood, other more were product of vengeance I retain in my mind, till I almost turned crazy losing my control of self and been deprived of my respect to my being, grabbed of the essence of purity. They stole from me my peace of mind and instead that I would heap tranquility, they ruined my life and soul, whoever were they.
Likewise I only speak out of experience, but I have already forgiven those who offended me and deprived me of my innocence. I am only writing these that others may learn from my story and never repeat these in their lives. I’m glad that I’ve already settled all this problem and that I are happy of the healing I’ve obtained lately. Somehow in my old age, I will forget, but it is my hope that even at the early age now, I will efface in my memory those sad experiences and only retain what is the good.
I can’t keep it to myself the gratification I feel and the state of bliss, for forever I will be indebted to the youth who helped me think and solve my problem even if their participation was in the form of criticisms, for I can’t hide the truth from them, as I have permitted that they govern my being. I have to be hurt to cure the ailment of my soul. They acted as critics that I may devise a way to overcome the roots of my hatred much more my anger to my self that my wound would be healed.
“I love the tiny green island surrounded by the sea,” was the echo from my being. Somehow I concocted a world of my own with many brothers to help me even with the lashes of their tongues. I had hope to relate well with them and scale to their level knowing well that they are far better thinkers than me finding out that I was ignorant with their language as I was caught in the realm of Gen-X progress acting like a grandfather to them.
Here as I paused, I have felt that I am unloved and rejected, a nuisance in their eyes even with my eyeglasses on. Somehow those who loved me even these were my friends, have gone away and had their own lives, even my newest friends, since I could only find them now in my friendster. Some had gone abroad or busy with their married life while I was left alone in midst of the seemingly sea. Likewise I feel glory that I have my mother, even dad has died recently, and my sisters too even my brother already passed away, moreover my in-laws by my kin, which include my nieces and nephews, and my relatives and friends.
I feel the same alienation that I felt when I’ve attempted to commit suicide in Boracay. But though I was debilitated, I am in mirth that I was tranquil and composed with my depression being gone. Somehow time will come that I would be convinced that I am part of these young though I’m older, and would feel their affirmation and concern, and we be the same birds with similar feather as I also speak their kind of language.
Love begets love, but I’ve detected that rejection is itself an affirmation because they care to speak while others prefer to be in cliché. I’m only hesitating to be vocal because I do not know their names unlike my friends in RMCAT that I have a complete list of their names and other info about them. Time will come, we’ll relate in the gut level, helping one another do what is preferred and enjoyed in the circle of love and affirmation.
Love? When was the last time I thought about love? I felt love when I too was forgiven of my offenses in the time that I hated much my self and those who ruined my life. As I am dispensed, I am bound to forgive.
- Jose Constante I. Nartatez
