SYDMAN’S SIX TALK
Sports Entertainment Worse Finishers
I have been stuck writing basketball for the longest time and it’s a welcome development to finally use “fuck” and “bitch” without explaining why I wrote them.
Or so it seems.
By the way: Terms used in picking these blunders are as follows…
1) Execution: Shawn Michaels kicks people in the face but the way he kicks is teeth-grinding.
2) Effectiveness: Back in the 80’s, the clothesline could be an effective finisher. Currently unless you have that impact JBL gives with it then you shouldn’t be doing clotheslines in the first place.
3) Energy: Now that wrestling moves are made safer, there are several moves that got twitched. HHH is releasing the Pedigree upon impact while Undertaker is carefully holding his opponent to not really give them a Tombstone Piledriver.
Game starts now.
FAR SIX: EDGE’S SPEAR
How does this work: Edge waits for a person to stand up, waving his hands like a demented Tahitian dancer and then runs amuck and pounds his shoulders to the opponent.
Why does this suck: Does Edge have pointy shoulders that would rupture arteries when he launches himself to an opponent? No. Hell no. The Rock had a promo where he would diss Goldberg because his finishing move is a fucking shoulder block. Now I can understand Goldberg to use this since he has muscle mass but I can’t seem to not understand why Edge can spear the Big Show without bouncing back. It doesn’t look believable on big opponents I guess.
However this is tons better than Hacksaw’s football stance. I adore Edge because he is one of the better workers in the WWE but this can’t be his finishing move against the WWE giants!
FIVE: UMAGA’S SAMOAN SPIKE
How does it work: After pounding the opponent senseless, Umaga gets him in the middle of the ring in a kneeling position. He then shouts in his native Samoan tongue (or some random gibber) as he raises his bandaged thumb. He then places the thumb in a quick sudden smash to the opponent’s throat. Game over.
Why does this suck: The Spike was used in the olden wrestling days by one of the Wild Samoans. This was back when the DDT was yet to be invented and a top-rope suplex is a finishing move. This is NOT a great finishing move in this generation. Plus has any of his opponents suffered throat problems? Hardly. Well argue about the fakeness of wrestling but there are moves that create impact. Also, could this actually be a thumbpoke to the neck? It seems like he is just punching someone’s neck! Not unless there are brass knuckles in his fist, then he should stay away from this move.
The running butt smash to the turnbuckle looks nasty than this crap.
FOUR: SNITSKY’S PUMP HANDLE SLAM
How does this work: Place your opponent in a dogstyle position then move to his side part (not unless you enjoy dogstyling men) then get the foe’s hand and cross it to his legs and make sure you won’t touch the balls. Then this would make the lifeless body easy to lift to the shoulders and then drop it.
Why does this suck: Snitsky is a big man with 10 percent wrestling skills. Starting out as a jobber, this move is good because it makes Snitsky a big guy that is contented on losing. However when he was re-launched as a psychotic, tartar-filled monster, this move seemed very wrong. For starters, putting the opponent’s hands near his balls is too slow. He needs to have an instant action like a choke slam or a power bomb. And Snitsky’s wrestling skills is like looking at a golf game in slow motion. Ugh.
THREE: JEFF JARRETT’S THE STROKE
How does this work: Jarrett’s finisher relies on his arms making “akbay” to his opponent while his foot will trip the opponent. Instead of falling backwards, they will fall in an opposite direction.
Why does this suck. Jarrett had better finishers like the figure four (borrowed obviously from Flair) and the guitar smash to the head (borrowed obviously from the Honky Tonk Man). This though, is weird. In order to make this move to look effective, the opponent must be ready to accept it. Oftentimes, his opponent hits the floor knee first which makes the move dumb because it was meant to give opponents 100 percent damage to the head. He can’t execute this to bigger opponents due to the “knee factor” and rookies had to be literally dragged out of their body because they resist making the move effective. If Jarrett was a babyface (the good guy), it seeks zero impact since there are no outside interference or a referee blindside to setup the move efficiently. The Rock’s elbow drop is nothing compared to the move but Rocky makes up for his showmanship to give it fanfare. This move sucks above…
TWO: HULK HOGAN’S LEGDROP
How does this work: Punch Hogan three times and you get pointed. Then punching him will resolve to nothing. Complicating your lives more is when he walks around the ring shaking like a wet Doberman. Then a string of punches later, you see the guy launched to the ropes which will eventually lead to a big boot to the face and then the inevitable legdrop.
Why does this suck: I have seen top rope leg drops, leg drops from 500-pounders, leg drops with steel chairs pero POOOTANG INA, how can a geriatric with limited wrestling ability get a pin while attempting a “normal” move!?!?! When he could lift Andre the Giant and when Hulkamania was extremely running wild this can be effective, how on earth that in this time and age he can still execute this for a win makes me want to cry. Plus, look closely on how he executes this: his legs are too bend to even cross the neck. Isn’t it the main rationale for this move is to temporarily choke out the opponent?
THE WINNER: TANK ABBOTT’S PHANTOM FIST
How does this work: Because of his mixed martial arts popularity, Abbott was signed by WCW to counter WWE’s act to sign Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn. His character mixes the realness of UFC with the fake reality donned by WWE. While Shamrock had his ankle lock and Severn had his Beast Choker (dragon sleeper with body scissors), Abbott clocks his opponent with a right closed fist.
Why does this suck: If you watch UFC, you’ll see that Abbott is nothing more than a brawler. He’ll drown you with punches alright, but don’t expect him to plummet his opponents with the grace Gracie, Liddell, Couture, Ortiz, and Shamrock exhibit. Now put this to a sports entertainment background where everything needs to have grace in order for fans to not yawn or bore. A mere punch is something even non-wrestlers can administer. If Jim Ross punches you, it is crowd-erupting because he is not a wrestler. If the Undertaker punches you, its no-bearing because we know he has more in his arsenal. If Abbott punches you… and that’s his finishing move… think of the many seats your promotion will draw!?!?!?!?!
Comments? Suggestions? Ugh… pokes?
Since my “surf porn” statement is reserved for Hoops.Blink.Ph…
My catchphrase for Hifi is…
MATALINO MAN ANG BADING… NAPEPERAHAN DIN.
See you next time!
